Thursday, June 23, 2011

Rash decision # 231

I've been kicking myself for the last few months.  See it's like this:  H and I had been talking about having another baby. All  of our friends are trying, have recently been, or are preggo.  H was a little hesitant, he's fine with our two. We have a boy and a girl. But I have always wanted more than two kids. In fact I would be happy with two more.  So last fall H finally said "yes, let's have one more. But- you need to get knocked up NOW."  So I made my appointment to have my IUD taken out. 

And then I chickened out. I rashly decided that it was not the "right time."

As someone who rarely makes gets to implement plans, pregnancy is where I have gotten lucky. J was planned and was perfectly timed to arrive in the summer. My OB always teased me "You teachers always have to have things planned perfectly!"  My problem was that "NOW" was November. This didn't work for my schedule. I had major issues with the idea of taking off the first few months of school for maternity leave. It seriously freaked me out to think of all the backtracking I would possibly have to do by turning over my classroom for a few months.

Shortly after, H changed is his mind and said he was done with changing diapers. I fought the good battle for a few months, but recently have begun praying for acceptance that I will not have any more kids.

It sucks. I'm bitter. And then I get mad at myself for being bitter when I know I have friends who are struggling with infertility. Here I sit with two beautiful, if not slightly ornery, kids and I'm mad that I can't have any more. I know it's not the same as what my friends are going through. But I'm still sad and bitter. Oh wait, I think I said that already... still haven't come to grips with the whole acceptance thing.

I keep praying for my friends who will be great parents. I pray thankfully for my two darling monsters. And I pray that someday H will change his mi- I mean, I will come to accept the size of my family.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Rash decision #543

One of my goals this summer is to get in shape and try to slim back down to my pre-pregnancy weight (yes, my baby is almost 5- I don't want to talk about!)  So I decided that during the summer the kids and I were going to walk to do some or our errands, including walking to the library.  I've been trying to prepare my kids:  "It will be fun! You will get to carry your own bags! We can go to the park afterward if you are good!" 

The walk there was pretty uneventful.  J complained a little. E suggested we use backpacks instead of the bags they got from school. The kids were very quiet in the library (trying not to judge the poor mother with the screaming 3 year old) and picked out their books, cd's, and one movie.  It was park time!

As we walked outside, E noticed the looming gray cloud. My suggestion to walk home and play at the park another  day was met with vehement cries.  So, I unwisely relented.  Twenty minutes later I told my kids it was time to go. Twenty-one minutes later it started to rain.

The other mothers and I huddled under a tree with our kids. The conversations were along these lines: Is it going to stop? It's only sprinkling...sort of...  E- please stop whining. It's only water! Well, you should have grabbed your jacket when I told you to!

After a few minutes it looked like it was letting up. The sun was even peeking through a few of the clouds. I gathered my grumbling children and we started walking across the park.  We had just reached the road when the sky opened up and made a mockery of my attempt to have an enjoyable, puddle-splashing walk home.

The kids and I scurried under a large tree.  After a minute or two I listened to that inner voice that had been jeering at me minutes earlier.  I gave in.   I called my sister to come pick up my water-logged kids and me. Thank goodness she is on vacation this week!

Moral of the story: Carry an umbrella, even when the sky is clear.  Librarians don't take too kindly to water damage.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

A more welcome gift than chocolate...

As the year wrapped up I was definitely tired, worn out, and and cranky. It happens. I groused about students who suckered me into to taking one more late assignment to boost their grades, the Seniors who checked out back in May, and the Freshmen who suddenly forgot where the turn-in box is located and claim that they "didn't know it was due two weeks ago!"  I ate a lot of chocolate to sooth my temper (and consequently gained a few more pounds!) I shook my head and wondered if I would survive the end of the year. But then in the same day I received two thank you notes- one from a student and one from a parent thanking me not for teaching a skill or information, but for encouraging, listening, and showing compassion. 

It gladdened my heart (as cliche as that sounds).  This is one of the reasons I teach. To be there for my students, in whatever way I can, when they need it the most.